Affects of Divorce

     The reality of today's world is saddening to me because of the number of marriages that have failed over the last few decades and continue to fail.  Don't get me wrong there are definitely valid reasons for divorce and sometimes very necessary. I do think that it would be easy for someone to look at divorce as an easy out, but I honestly think that it is still hard. Marriage is hard, divorce is hard. It is just a matter of choosing which hard is worth going through. So I want to take some time today to talk about the hard things that come from going through a divorce. There are 5 different elements that factor into a divorce which are, emotional, legal, social, parental, and economic. 

    First off the actual emotions behind a divorce. I do not think emotionally that a divorce on either side is ever a good thing. Obviously, there are different circumstances for every situation that plays into the effects that a divorce has on one person. It is hard when you have formed attachments with someone and also built a life with someone to then separate. For one thing, you can't forget memories. It can be extremely difficult to deal with the emotional disconnect and put yourself back in the world alone. Even if you are divorced from a person does not mean you have emotionally processed the divorce. 

    The next element is legal. Legal can be super simple or super complex depending on how well the partners corporate. Realistically there are a lot of things that have to be divided when going through a divorce. For as long as you have both been married you have shared the majority of your things so to have to legally try and decide who gets what can be complicated but once that is done you are no longer married and you can officially separate. 

    The next aspect is social. This might not seem like a huge deal but it can cause a great divide in friendships and sometimes even families. When you are in a relationship you have a lot of the same friends and getting a divorce can cause those friends to have to choose a side. Or it can just cause hard feelings between each other. Family can become close which also makes it hard when dealing with a divorce. I know somebody who with her spouse worked with her brother and his wife and they traveled a ton together and did quite a lot together. The one couple ended up getting divorced and her brother continued to work with her Ex-husband which caused a lot of tension between her and her brother. They still do not talk to each other. This has caused a great divide in the family and it's really quite sad. 

    Parental is another factor that hugely plays into divorce. I feel like this is one that affects a lot of people. It is one hard on the parents to have to share their children and two it is hard on the kids to have their family split up. No matter what that kid's world is being rocked upside down and it is not easy. There are a lot of difficulties in trying to figure out custody and holidays. 

    Lastly, we have economics. I feel like anytime you go from two incomes to one it can get tricky but also I feel like in a lot of relationships the couple relies on one person to make most of the income or one person works while the other stays home with the kids. This can be incredibly difficult to balance after a divorce. You also have the factor of one parent having to pay child support so now they not only have to support one family but two. 

    Regardless of the circumstances divorce is never an easy or fun thing to go through and there are so many elements of life that it affects. I know that marriage is so so essential and important and it is definitely worth fighting for in a lot of situations.    

Choices and Parenting

     What's good everybody? It feels like it has been longer than a week but here we are. Today I want to talk about something that I have not put into practice yet, but just my thoughts and views on the matter. I want to talk about the balance of giving your children the freedom to choose and also giving them rules and boundaries. I am not yet a parent so in theory, I feel these things would work, but I know the curse of never saying you won't do that when you have children so just bare with me these are just thoughts and feelings.  

    I feel that for the most part there are two kinds of parents the kind that is super duper strict and does not ever give their kids the ability to make decisions and decipher the right things for themselves. Then there are the parents that probably give their kids too much freedom and let them rule their own world. Which is better? Which is the right way to go? Is there a right and wrong way to do it? There may not be a wrong or right answer to these questions but here is what I think. 

    Typically you see with the parents that are super strict the kids have a hard time with wanting to listen to their parents. I have had a lot of friends who did not feel like they could go to their parents when they had a problem in fear that they would just get a lecture or be punished. Or they simply just felt that they did not want to do something just because their parents want them to. It makes them want to be disobedient because they do not feel like they get the choice very often. It sends them in the other direction and makes them feel more distant. 

    Then you have the kids who have parents who let their kids have way too much freedom. This can be bad because then the children feel in control and feel that they can get whatever they want and whenever they want it. This can be bad because sometimes as kids we feel like we know what will be best for us when we can not really see the whole picture. Therefore to some degree, it's good to have that guiding hand of a mom and dad. 

    So what is the right way? I feel that it is important to have a balance. I like to look to our Heavenly Father as a guide. How does He parent us? He gives us standards and expectations and then gives us the freedom to govern ourselves. He doesn't control every choice we have to make but he gives us options to choose from and gives us guidance and counsel and then it is up to us to make the right decisions. Just like Heavenly Father, I think it is important to teach your children the standard and expectations. Help them see the importance of things and then let them decide what exactly they should choose. 

    Most importantly Heavenly Father loves us regardless of the choices we make. He loves us unconditionally and as we show our children that same kind of unconditional love they will feel more comfortable leaning on us for help when they do slip up and make a mistake they will know they can come to us rather than go into a deeper amount of trouble. I know there is no perfect solution to parenting and no parent is perfect everyone is just trying to figure out what they are doing. I do know though that the best way to teach a child or anybody is to do it out of love. When you love somebody and just want the best for them you can't go wrong. 

The value of work

     Howdy, y'all! so today I have a very important topic and that is the value of hard work.  I love the definition on google of the word work it says, "activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result." I  think that the biggest thing is when you work hard in any way you can expect an end result to come about. There are so many different kinds of work and frankly, most things in life require work to some degree. One thing that I have had to work super hard at is playing the violin. I started playing the violin when I was in middle school just in the jr high orchestra and then my freshman year of high school I decided I wanted to play a little more seriously so I started taking lessons. That took a ton of time and a ton of effort. I would spend countless hours practicing and attending lessons as well as group classes. There were a lot of times that I really didn't enjoy certain aspects of it but in the end, it was incredibly satisfying to see my hard work pay off and to actually see myself progressing and getting better.  Work is most of the time not easy but almost always it's worth it. 

    Now, what is the value of teaching your kids and learning to work from a young age? All growing up my dad would ask us kids to helo him with certain outside tasks. My least favorite task was cleaning up the rotten apples that had fallen off the tree. My brothers, sister, and I would go out and get to work we would spend hours just cleaning up totally squished and totally gross apples. At the moment I definitely never enjoyed it and honestly didn't really think the results were that worth it either I didn't mind having apples all over our yard. Looking back at it though I know to see the important lessons I learned. I learned that even when the work is hard and maybe a little gross it's possible and you can do anything you set your mind to. Another lesson I learned was when you put your heads together and work with others it helps build your relationship and also makes the job go faster. I especially enjoyed it when I got to be the one wheeling the wheelbarrow back to the cows instead of being one of the ones picking up the gross apples. Definitely some good bonding moments with my siblings though. Another thing I learned is that working hard at something makes you feel accomplished and more ready to take on another good task. It can seem like maybe not something that is necessary to teach young kids but that's when you're most impressionable and by doing so will make all the difference in how your kids grow up to work. I know seeing that working was important to my parents helped me to value it a lot more. 

    I think that work is an amazing opportunity to grow and become better as a person. If we simply look at it as more of an opportunity than an obligation it will get us a long way.  When we focus on how we can individually learn and grow from specific hard things we have to do it becomes so much more rewarding. I know that everything we do can be an opportunity and if we simply shift our mindset about work it can become a lot better of an experience. I think that as you work not only physically but emotionally you are becoming the person God intended you to be. The emotional side of work gets overlooked a lot but I believe that it is equally as important. being happy requires work, thinking positively, not overreacting, relationships it all takes work, and putting forth hard work will bring about great results.

     I love the concept of work and I know working hard has brought me so much joy and happiness. It sounds crazy but it gives you a sense of purpose and helps you to grow closer to Heavenly Father if you allow it to. I love what President Nelson says, "the Lord loves effort. When we are willing to put forth effort the Lord will bless us more than we could ever imagine. 

Talk Talk Talk

 Ok, so how many of you actually like to talk about the nitty-gritty stuff and the way you feel?Maybe it is just me but I certainly don't. I like to let things build up inside of me until I become so frustrated I have to talk about it.... Yeah, I know it's definitely not a healthy habit. This is why I wanna talk today about some practices that would be way more healthy mentally and most definitely more healthy for all of my relationships. Being able to effectively communicate can save so much heartache and confusion in the end.    

    Has there ever been a time in your life where someone you lived with whether that be a roommate, a significant other, or another family member, would do something that would drive you absolutely crazy, but you didn't want to say anything because it was kind of a small dumb thing? So time goes on and you don't say anything and  for a while and every time they do it it festers and festers a little bit more inside of you until you have a bunch of built up resentment towards that person. I don't really know if this happens to all of you but it definitely does me. So something I find myself asking is what's the solution? Well the easiest and probably the only thing to do is to talk about it. 

    Let's be real, as nice as it would be if people could just read our minds and then fix the problem, it can't be like that. So instead if there is something we want someone to know, we have to tell them. I have seen as I learn to effectively tell those that are important how I feel and vice versa then we both feel comfortable telling each other how we feel and it makes it a whole lot easier to avoid conflict and solve issues. Plus most of the time if it's a person you are close to they will respect that and try to fix the problem and you should do the same thing. 

    I think another important part of this is trying to see issues from the other person's perspective. It's easy to get caught up in all the little things that drive you crazy or that you don't like, but I truly believe if you care about a person and they care about you simply taking a step back and trying to understand them will help you to feel a lot more compassionate and make it so you don't feel resentment. Rather you want to strive to make them happy even if that means changing a few simple habits. 

    I recently learned about the model for effective ways to respond to someone wanting to argue about something and the first part of it is recognizing your wrong. It's a way of being humble, helping them feel that you see where they are coming from and giving them validation. I think this goes a long way in showing the other person you care enough to try to help them feel better about it. When you admit that you aren’t always right, the other person won't feel the need to argue because you are willing to work through problems with them. 

    Another important part of effectively communicating about it is to recognize each other's strengths. You can never go wrong with first telling a person why you care about them and showing your gratitude for them. I think when you have something that bothers you if you first show them that you care and help them see all the things you do love about them it will make the issue seem like not as big of a deal.

    I know communication is hard and I'm certainly still learning myself how to effectively communicate the way I feel, but I know it is so so crucial in being happy and having good relationships. These are just a few things that I have found to be effective and things to think about. Something that I like to remember is everything in this life that is worth it takes effort and hard work. 

Thoughts, Feelings, & Emotions

     So today I wanted to discuss something that I have dealt with in my whole life, and I know many of you probably deal with as well. This thing is two words and it majorly impacts our everyday life. Depression and anxiety.... I know it's a battle in and of itself. Maybe even just the thoughts of those words make you a little queazy to your stomach, I know they do mine. Let's be real for a minute most everybody will experience some degree of sadness and some degree of anxiety at different points in their lives and It's not always a bad thing. Today though I'm talking about the kind of depression that makes you feel as though there really is no chance you will ever feel another ounce of happiness or that staying in bed and sleeping all the time is the best option because when you're asleep you don't feel as sad. I'm talking about the anxiety that makes you sick to your stomach to do easy things like go to school or that makes simple easy decisions a big task because you worry so much that you're making the right decision. I get it, I get it all and no it's not easy. 

   What if I told you though that your thoughts have complete power to control it all. Our minds are powerful and trust me I've been in that boat where I feel pretty hopeless about myself or about a situation happening in my life. Looking back on it all now I see it was a big portion of what I was telling myself. I told myself lies about what seemed to be happening, rarely were those lies true. I told myself that I was a difficult person to be around so no one liked me. I told myself that my life had no purpose because that's how it felt. There was a dark cloud over my head and I just kept letting it get bigger and bigger by telling myself all the horrible horrible lies. The moment I realized that I wasn't a bad person that I was actually a really good person the moment I realized that life is so valuable and its not about having a predestined purpose, its about making every moment full of purpose its about giving yourself purpose and finding your passions. That's what it's about and once I changed my thinking the clouds began to disappear. I know in the moment of darkness it doesn't feel like simply changing your thinking will do anything but next time you feel sad try it out take a step back and see what things you're telling yourself are actually true. Tell yourself that you have worth and there is so much you have to offer. I don't care who you are or what your walk of life is there is something you can offer to the world there is somebody who could use your love. 

    You might be asking what does this have to do with anxiety.... well a whole lot. We know that anxiety is defined as, "a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome." Ok think about how many times have you had to talk in front of someone and the first thought that came to your head was I'm gonna look like an idiot or what if I mess up and say the wrong thing. I think we've all been there. That's a mild example of anxiety. We all have it and sometimes it's helpful, but sometimes it can be crrippling. I've been there where something as simple as making a phone call stresses me out to a point where it's not healthy. Why does it stress me out? Because I tell myself all the lies of what could go wrong. It goes back to the things I tell myself. If I constantly think about all the negative and bad things that COULD happen of course I'm going to be incredibly anxious and nervous who wouldn't be. Our brains process everything we think as truth so if we can simply learn to think a bit clearer and positively it will make our lives so much better. Next time think about all the things that could go right instead of all the things that could go wrong!

    Now don't get me wrong this takes a lot of work and it's not easy. There will still be those days or those situations, but learning to control our thoughts and the way we react to things will definitely bring a lot more joy into your life. Someone shared with me recently this, "It's not events that affect our emotions it's our thoughts about an effent that creates the emotions." I can promise you. I know without a doubt that there is a God who loves and cares about each and every one of us so deeply He wants us to find joy. He only gives us hard things to make us stronger and learn to rely on the power and grace that comes from His son Jesus Christ. I promise there are better happier days ahead don't stop fighting!

Why Wait?

         Hey everyone! This week I wanted to share my thoughts and things I have studied about waiting till Mariage to be intimate with someone. I definitely think the standards for this is something that has changed over the course of time. Many people have different thoughts and standards for how this should be handled but I truly believe that waiting till marriage to be sexually active is the way to go and here is why I believe that! 

     First, it is safer It eliminates the problem of getting disease transmitted through sex and also unplanned pregnancy when you are not in the place to have a child. I feel like this is a common problem and people are worried about it and simply practicing abstinence will get rid of the problem in the end. I know that it can be hard and that its certainty not the cool way to go but I do know that it saves a lot of heartache and grief in the end. I know there are things to prevent all of these problems, but they are not always granted and that where the heartache can come in. 

 Another big factor is emotionally it’s better. There are studies that shows those especially women suffer from depression when they have many different partners that they have had intercourse with. When you engage in such an intimate thing women have a chemically that's released in their body causing them to become attached. you can imagine how ultimately this can cause some emotional problems and distress. Studies also show that the more partners you have the harder it is to become attached to another one. You become more numb to falling in love and its harder for you to be fulfilled and satisfied with love. I think everyone desires to find love and to have that special connection, but they give up on finding it because they don't believe that they can or that there are people that will love you in that way, but I promise there is if you wait. 

    Also waiting till marriage creates a moment for you and your spouse to share that special connection and it makes it more personal and sacred. Having sex can be a very intimate experience under the right circumstances. I love this quote from a proclamation made by some leaders of my church, "We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife."  It can be such a special thing and the ability to have children and to be a part of creating human life is so precious. 

I know it is hard to figure out standards and what you want to believe in, but I know that there are so many good things that come from waiting and choosing to stand up for that and being better will be so worth the wait. I know that God has intended for intimacy to be a special and sacred thing and that he has created us the way we are for a reason and that it is good and will lead to more happiness as we do it in the right way and at the right time. These are just a few of the reasons that I believe that practicing abstinence is good and will greatly help you in the end. 

         

Physical Touch & Dating

         Hey peeps! So today I wanted to focus on my thoughts about the idea of physical touch and the role it plays in dating and courtship. I think it is interesting the view that the world has on this specific topic and the opinions on what makes a relationship and frankly how fast couples become attached through physical touch.There is definitely need to find a balance in everything. 

    I think very often physical tough becomes so much a part of a relationship that people forget why they are even dating. There are chemicals released when a person kisses another person that makes you like them more. Meaning when physical touch becomes part of a relationship it clouds your judgement and makes it harder to see the relationship as it actually is. As we step back and take genuine time getting to know someone its a lot easier to know how you feel about each other. 

    People tend to jump into relationships quite quickly and a lot of the time even into marriage before they really get to know each other. I truly think that this tends to make it more difficult later on and as life gets harder for that relationship. I love the attachment relationship model which is basically a model that explains you should never trust a person more than you know them and you should never rely on a person more than you trust them, You should never rely on a person more than you are ready to commit to them and you should never touch a person more than you are ready to commit to them. This model is a good basis to go off of to establish a healthy and well balanced relationship that will make it easier to transition into either a more serious relationship or a breakup if that is what both people feel is better. 

    It's important to make physical contact a part of your relationship but certainly not the only part of your relationship. Everything has a time and a place and it is important to decide together what you feel is appropriate and communicate with each other. Learning to communicate and talk with each other while you are dating will help in your relationship for the rest of the time you are dating and into a possible marriage. I love the comparison of not sliding into a relationship but falling into a relationship. As you start seeing someone or spending lots of time with them its easy to just slide into a relationship. All the sudden you are in a serious relationship and you weren't even sure that's what you wanted, but if you take time to discuss with each other and decide what you want to be and how you both feel it will be better in the long run.

    Also another big part of relationships is realizing that the way you date will most likely be the way things are when you are married. If you simply just always hangout then you can't except to go on dates after marriage. Its a matter of being intentional with everything you do. As you work to establish clear boundaries and work together to commit you will be able to have a healthy and happy relationship. Relationships are hard and they take lots of work and consistent effort but as you put in the effort and the time it will be so worth it. Working on your relationship while you are dating will be a worthwhile investment for your future and can save a lot of heartache and sorrow that could be waiting down the road.